Castlestuck
by MKwitch
Summary: In which Harry Potter is a troll, and goes to Hogwarts to learn magic.
1. Chapter 1

It was a dark and stormy night. The sounds of two people bickering drifted from an open window.

"Does it have to be tonight?" Questioned a male voice.

"Of course it does! The clouds never lie!" A woman's voice replied.

Let us zoom in on our two current protagonists. One is tall and lanky with jet-black hair and rather goofy looking glasses. The other is a curvaceous woman with fiery red hair and stunning green eyes. They are both hunched over a huge metal contraption with what appears to be giant test tubes on it.

"Well, here goes nothing!" the redhead exclaimed.

With a pop, there was suddenly an infant on the flattest part of the contraption. It was no human infant, though. It had green skin, orange-ish horns, and multiple legs. Some might compare it to some sort of a grub, perhaps.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Instead of answering the door like one normally would in this situation, the couple decided to panic. The male started flipping levers like a madman, and the female started to furiously gather items from around the house.

After a couple of seconds, the couple had gathered a small bundle of books and the infant creature onto a completely different part of the machine. Within seconds of pressing yet another round of complicated-looking buttons, there was another pop, and both the infant and the books disappeared.

It was a good thing they did, because as you have probably guessed by now, this is the part where the villain shows up. And show up he did. He completely smashed the door down!

A scrawny black creature strode purposefully into the room. What, were you expecting Voldemort himself to show up this early in the plot? That would be ridiculous! Who in their right mind puts the final villain in the beginning of the book!

Anyways, while I was rambling on about plot points, Jack Noir, the scrawny black creature, had managed to kill both of the humans, by stabbing them. A lot. This seemed to be his way of saying hello.

Jack just looked somewhat disappointedly at the bodies before walking away again.

Well, that was a waste of two good humans. But those two humans that we saw die were just the start of something great. This is because the young infant that they just sent off is our protagonist, and he is soon going to start the biggest adventure of his lifetime.


	2. Chapter 2

Your name is HARRY POTTER and you are a troll. Okay, so your name is missing a letter for a proper Alternian name, but that doesn't mean that you aren't a troll!

You live in your amazing TREEHOUSE in the rainforest with your BAT LUSUS, who you affectionately call BATMOM.

Your Batmom had to build the whole house by herself, since there are no drones to do it for you on Earth.

You enjoy learning about ALTERNIAN HISTORY, which you get from a bunch of books that you have had since you appearified in the middle of the rainforest.

You are very proud of your HERITAGE, as well as your blood colour, which is jade green. If you lived on Alternia, you would have had a very rare MOTHER GRUB LUSUS, but since they don't have those on Earth, you instead got your delightful Batmom.

Your hero is the DOLOROSA, a figure from history who had a romantic and tragic life. You wish you could be just like her, except for the torture and dying bit.

You are just about to head out to the FOOD SUPPLY LOCATION, or as the humans call it, the grocery store. You have on your SHITTY HUMAN DISGUISE, a large hat to cover your horns, and human makeup to cover your grey skin. Occasionally the makeup will flake off, revealing your skin, but because of the unusual way you are dressed, most humans seem to think that you just came back from a costume party.

You were just leaving when your Batmom flies through an open window and drops a dead owl at your feet. The owl seems to be carrying a letter. You decide to open it.


	3. Chapter 3

After skimming the letter a bit, you soon discover several things. Firstly, that the letter was addressed to you.

Second, that the people that wrote the letter seem to think that you are indeed human. This means your disguise is working! Haha!

Thirdly, they also think that you're some sort of subspecies of human called a "wizard". Hmm... You've never heard of a "wizard" before, but it seems pretty serious, so you decide to take this small fact for granted.

And fourthly, they want you to go to some schoolfeeding place called "Hogwarts". While the name sounded strange to you, as all human place names do, you think that this is probably a legitimate place. They've even sent you a list of items to get!

You show the letter to your Batmom, reading to her out loud the bits that were the most interesting.

Your Batmom responds with a protective wing around you, and her sharp teeth to the letter. She clearly doesn't think that you're ready to leave your treehouse so soon. You also kind of agree with her.

Who wants wrigglers to leave home that early, anyways? Five and a half sweeps and on your own was just begging for you to get culled!

Soon you forget about the letter as you return to your daily life. The owl, however, remains as food for the next couple of days. With a few fresh vegetables and some grubsauce, it quickly becomes a tasty meal for the both of you!

Except, a couple days later, more owls come. You ignore the letters again, and get straight to trying to catch them. Batmom leaves half for you to try and pick off with your trusty SENBONKIND.

You miss most of them, but manage to hit the largest. It may have been the easiest target, but it was also the most delicious!

The owls keep coming, however, and you soon grow tired of bird meat. Soon, Batmom is literally beating them off from your house! Eventually the letters just pile up, and there is no more room to do anything except sit there and be berated by owls. Both you and Batmom are exhausted, and the Treehouse filled with paper, but eventually the letters stop. You are both very thankful for this.

You are just beginning to wake up, when you hear a roaring coming from outside your window. The noise gets louder and louder, until you swear your ears are going to fall off!

Suddenly, just when the sound is at its loudest, a huge THUMP! THUMP! Can be heard above the din.

It was coming from the door. Should you answer it?


	4. Chapter 4

== Harry: Open Door

You go to open the door. Outside, there appears to be a giant human of some kind on an equally giant motorcycle.

You briefly slam the door, rub your eyes and reopen the door.

Nope, still there.

You look to your Batmom for guidance. She scuttles over to the door in your place and opens it.

By now the giant has landed the motorcycle on the porch, and the noise has consequently stopped. The human, however, is still pounding on the door.

Batmom finally opens the door, and the giant stops dead in his tracks.

"Is tha' a bat Lusus? Never seen of 'em before!" He bellows.

Batmom screeches at him and makes a motion that meant to lower his voice. She then scolds and fusses at him for bothering her wriggler, especially at a time when they were both exhausted.

The giant winces and starts appologizing in a significantly quieter voice.

"Calm down, I'm just here to bring lil' 'Arry his letter!"

He then peers around the inside of the treehouse and spots the floor littered with owl carcasses and shredded letters.

"Though it looks like you already got plenty! Sorry 'bout tha', by the way." He apologizes.

Batmom gives him one last glare before letting him inside.

Hagrid sits down, nearly breaking one of your three-legged sitting devices (also known to humans as a 'stool').

"So!" he begins cheerfully, "Why didn't ya reply ta any of those letters?"

You explain that your Batmom doesn't want you leaving your hive until you are a lot older, and ready to face a schoolfeeding place without her guidance.

Hagrid nods solemnly. "Tha's all well and good, but your ancestors went to Hogwarts too! Don't ya want ta follow in their footsteps, 'Arry?"

You are surprised by this turn of events. "You knew my ancestors?" you question.

Hagrid smiles warmly at you, and nods again. "Yeah, I went ter school with 'em. They were great folks, they would'a been proud to call you their descendant."

You smile at the thought. You sure would like to be like your ancestors! You nudge Batmom, who has been taking in all of this information the whole time.

Finally, after much back-and-forthing between Hagrid and Batmom, she agrees to surrender you to the schoolfeeding system on the condition that she comes with you and stays in the Forbidden Forest to keep an eye on you.


End file.
